If someone had told me years ago that this would end up being what I was writing about, I would have told them they were insane.

This “climbing” site has turned into somewhere that I write about life, in and out of climbing. Maybe its age, maturity (also something I never thought possible) but it could be any number of things. Writing has become something that is quite therapeutic for me, and here we are, in the last three days with 0 tears when I think about the inevitable.

Panda is dying and I don’t know what to do.

it started with a little pot belly, and instead of the vet saying something like “older dogs, little ponch, skin sagging, whatever”, we ended up with scans, ultrasound and a cancerous tumor mostly blocking the flow of blood from both left and right atrium, and imminent death from congestive heart failure. Not what i thought i was going to hear in the slightest, and one can imagine how that felt. Like a kick to the dick.

over the years, when we first got Panda I’ll admit, I was skeptical. this little dog who was scared of the dark the first time I took her into the Wind River Range to go alpine bouldering, going on multiple day hunger strikes because she was too excited to go fishing on Cayuse creek in Idaho. I didn’t think that she’d be tough enough to be my little ride or die hoe. Boy was I wrong. Alpine days, 20 miles at a time and she just kept trucking along, my little baby bear, all curled up under papa’s sleeping bag with him at Braxon Lake in the Sawtooths, exhausted from the approach and first day in the talus but couldn’t be happier. panda turned into the little gremlin that I love. laying in mud puddles in Riggins at the cave that were filled with cow shit and piss, always managing to roll in gross shit when I was gone at a comp or for work…thanks Panda mommy always loved that.

sitting here now though, all i can think about is the places that i want to take her one last time, the ones that she loved the most. Castle, fly fishing, alpine meadows with nice soft dirt that are oh so good for the digging. but there isn’t time and i don’t think she could make it.

this is strange, there’s so many thoughts about memories and what i’d want to say, but for some reason i can’t really write them down. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced something like that. such a strange feeling when you know what you want to say but don’t know how to say it in a way that you feel would do it justice.

i’m sitting here watching Temptation Island…modern day soap operas. trash for sure, and I just figured it out. all the memories that I have with Panda climbing, in the woods, being outside and all has been some of the most formative years of my life. We got her when i was 33…coming up on 44 i feel like i have changed so much for the better in the last 10 years, and thinking back i think some of it was related to this little dog.

more on climbing to come. i am still very psyched and that will never go away, but for now this is all i got